


call it what you want

by fredesrojo



Category: The Avengers (2012), The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: 'cause Maria is a secret bro like that, Basically Maria talking to everyone post-Avengers, Multi, Not A Fix-It, Pheels, author is not sorry for Pheels, with bonus! Pepper and Darcy and Jane!
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2013-04-09
Updated: 2013-05-10
Packaged: 2017-12-08 01:01:40
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 2,806
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/755153
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fredesrojo/pseuds/fredesrojo
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A series of conversations recently appointed Avengers liaison (babysitter) Maria Hill has with its component members following the Battle of New York. With Bonus! Pepper, Jane Foster, and Darcy.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Stark/Banner (Or, That One Time Maria Beat Tony Stark At His Own Game)

( _Tony Stark and Bruce Banner)_

She had nearly reached the lab where Stark and Banner were huddled around a holographic projection of… _some_ thing when Stark’s AI finally broke around the disruptor and muzzle she’d bypassed his protocols with.

_“Sir, Agent Hill of SHIELD is here.”_

 Stark didn’t lift his head. “Lock her out.”

 _“I’m afraid I have already been bypassed, sir.”_ The AI sounded as close as a machine could get to apologetic. _“She is—,”_

“Mr. Stark. Doctor Banner.” Maria said calmly, voice pitched loud enough to drown out the AI.

Banner tensed, hands already fumbling at the hem of his shirt.

Stark growled low under his breath, nimble fingers calling up a screen filled with code. “How the _fuck_ do you _do_ that?”

She held her hands away from her sides disarmingly. “I come in peace.”

“Jarvis, you _hacked_ them three weeks ago, how is she still able to get around you?” He held up a hand. “Don’t explain, just _fix_ it.” Intelligent, mercurial eyes zeroed in on her, his eyebrows furrowing into a pronounced V. “I didn’t realize you Agents had human clothing.”

Maria glanced down. Jeans, grey dusted work boots, a plain grey t-shirt and a SHIELD jacket over all of it. “My spare catsuit was dirty.”

He snorted, amused. “So, why are you here?”

“Are you here to take me back in, Agent?” Dr. Banner tilted his head, dark eyes watching intently.

“Here to give you your freedom back, actually.” Maria hefted the briefcase. “We’ve been fighting General Ross for the past year or so.” She nodded at the case. “Your accounts are unfrozen and put back to where they were originally.”

“And his _freedom_ is conditional that he stay somewhere SHIELD can keep track of him, right?” The inventor laughed bitterly.

Maria shrugged. “His freedom is conditional on nothing at all, Mr. Stark.” She glanced over at the scientist. “You’re free to go wherever you like.”

“And I won’t find Agent Romanov waiting when I get to where I want to go?” The hem of his shirt wrinkled and creased under the continued attention of worried fingers.

“Agent Romanov is incommunicado.”

Stark burst out laughing, shaking his head. “Oh, that’s fucking priceless; you lost your little assassin.”

Maria allowed an infinitesimal smile to curl her lips. “Last I checked, she and Agent Barton were headed in roughly the same direction Captain Rogers left a week ago.”

“You’re sending Legolas and Natashalie after Captain Spangles. That’s going to go _horribly.”_

“I manage my people the way I see fit, Mr. Stark.”

“And so we’re _your_ people now, Agent Hill?”

“That’s up to you, Mr. Stark.”

Stark eyed her cautiously, his gaze flitting around the room. He glanced at his screens again, frowning at the scrolling lines of code. “Tell you what. You agree to participate in a little…wager with me, and I’ll think about joining your super-secret boy band on a more permanent basis.”

“Let me hear the wager and I’ll consider it.”

Stark gestured at the room around them. “One game, of my choice. If I win, you tell me how the fuck SHIELD keeps tripping Jarvis, and you leave him alone. If you win, I agree to your Avengers Initiative on a provisionary basis, providing that it doesn’t interfere with my solo work as Iron Man. Oh, and if I win, you leave Bruce alone, too.”

“Tony…” Banner shifted on his feet, clearly uncomfortable.

“Ah, ah, let the good Agent speak.” He tilted his head. “What’ll it be?”

Maria could remember almost line for line the file on Tony Stark. The man was mercurial and difficult to control at the best of times. His competitive streak, while sometimes helpful, was most useful as a way around the defenses he so carefully erected. She drew a deep breath and nodded. “Alright.”

Instantly he was all smiles. “Alright!” He clapped his hands. “Let’s see…Jarvis, let’s pull up HORSE, shall we?”

_“Sir, I do not think that is—,”_

“Nope, not listening, you are going to pull up HORSE and continue running that scan to figure out how Agent Hill got into my building while I soundly trounce her sneaky Agent ways in good old fashioned basketball.” He pointed imperiously at a clear stretch of wall. “Basket goes there, free throw line and three-point arc please.” Stark shifted his gaze to Maria, dark eyes glittering with challenge. “Ever played HORSE, Agent?”

She shrugged. “Gym class and some pickup games, maybe.”

“Good enough.” A glowing ball of light appeared between his palms, tinted orange and apparently replicating all the qualities of a basketball without actually being one. Stark bounced it a few times, grinning at Banner cheerfully. “What do you say, Bruce? Wanna play?”

“Oh, no, I’ll just…watch.” He backed away to a stool, perching on it carefully. “You two, um, have fun.”

The inventor smirked, chest-passing the ball to Maria. She got her hands up in time to catch, shifting it experimentally in her hands.

“Substantial enough for you, Agent, or do I need to find an actual basketball?”

Maria bounced it, testing the reactions of what must have been Stark’s AI tracing the movement of her hands. “It…seems to work fine for me,” She said as she bounced it back. “Shall we?”

Stark grinned, the effect made all the more maniacal looking by the goatee, and sank his first shot from just past the free throw line. He passed the ball off to the SHIELD Agent, who approached the line and sank the ball in the net with a fluid grace and technique that had both men gaping.

From his stool behind them, Banner chuckled. “I think you might’ve gotten in over your head here, Tony.” He raised his eyebrows at Maria. “I’m guessing you played in high school?”

“Small forward.” Her lips curved upwards in something that wasn’t quite a smirk. “I was Captain my senior year.”

Stark stared at her, scowled, and leaned over to swipe the ball off the ground. “You…”

“You asked if I’d played HORSE before, Mr. Stark. You said nothing about basketball.”

“Let’s test your range, then.” He shot and pumped his fist when it went in. As Maria retrieved the rebound and made the shot cleanly, he scowled further and glared at the ceiling. His next shot bounced off target, leaving the brunette an easy opening for a shot just shy of the three point line. Stark collected the ball and missed, swearing under his breath.

Maria finally allowed a small grin through. “I believe that’s an ‘H’.” She shot and made an easy jumper from well outside the line, catching the rebound to offer the ball to him. “Shall we continue, Mr. Stark?”

Stark pinched the bridge of his nose and glared. “You are infuriatingly smart.”

She shrugged. “Literature and Women’s Studies major from the University of Illinois. Not that smart.”

“Fury likes you.”

She laughed. “That’s…debatable.”

“Bruce is free to stay in my Tower if he wants to, and you won’t send a squad of goons in the night to kidnap him?”

Maria raised an eyebrow. “SHIELD doesn’t employ ‘goons’.”

He waved his hands, frowning. “You know what I meant.”

“We stepped up to bat for him against General Ross.” She shrugged and held her hands out. “I can’t say any more in terms of positives at the moment. If you don’t want to stay, we’re not going to stop you.”

Bruce fidgeted. “And my accounts?”

“You’re free to do with them what you like, Doctor, including withdrawing every bit of money that’s in there.” Maria jerked her head toward the briefcase. “All the information is there, all the money is there, and SHIELD hasn’t touched any of it.” She gestured towards Tony. “You can probably ask someone from Stark Industries to look it all over, if you still don’t trust us.”

After a long moment, Bruce adjusted his glasses and nodded. “I’ll stay. Here. And if the Avengers need the other guy…” He shrugged. “I’ll think about it.”

She nodded. “Fair enough. Mr. Stark?”

He sighed. “Well, since you’ve beaten up my AI and outmatched me in HORSE…” He spun the ball absently between his fingers. “Official consulting hours are between 8 and 5 every other Thursday. If there is an Avengers situation, I’ll do my best to help, provided I’m actually here.”

“Perhaps for your first consultation, you can take a look at this.” Maria fished a flash drive out of her pocket, tossing it across the room. “As Loki’s attack showed, the Helicarrier has some…weaknesses.”

“Falling out of the air like a lead brick…yeah, I would call that a weakness.” Tony fiddled with the drive. “I’ll take a look at it.”

Maria tilted her head. “I’ll remove the backdoor into your AI.”

Stark rolled his eyes. “You’ll forgive me if I don’t believe that.”

She smirked. “Believe what you want, Mr. Stark.” She dipped slightly at the waist, the motion not quite a bow. “Jarvis, I apologize for the inconvenience. Thank you for your cooperation gentlemen, I’ll be in touch.”


	2. Thor (Maria Hill Is Not Your International Calling Card)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Thor would very much like to talk to Jane. Fury, being the stand-up leader that he is, passes the buck.

_(Thor Odinson)_

A jolt of static shock and the pressure of a battle callused hand on her shoulder drew Maria away from the damage reports.

“Shield-Maiden Hill?” Thor rumbled quietly, staring at her with sad but earnest blue eyes.

“It’s Agent Hill, sir.” She glared at Sitwell, who bit his lip to contain a laugh.

“My apologies, milady.” He bowed fractionally at the waist. “Might I speak with you?”

Maria fought the urge to sigh. “It would seem you already are.”

Thor blinked. “Of course.” He shifted in place uncomfortably, a faint frown furrowing his brow. “The One-Eyed Fury stated that I come speak with you.” He shifted again. “He said that you would have a way of contact to my Lady Jane in the realm of Tromso?”

Out of the corner of her eye, Sitwell’s teeth redoubled their hold on his lip, a hand rising to cover his mouth. Maria sighed, her jaw flexing. “I can arrange contact with the SHIELD base there, yes.”

His eyes lit up. “Most excellent!” He fairly bounced on his toes, the air around him almost crackling with excitement. “Might I speak with her now?”

Maria nodded stiffly, flicking her gaze to Sitwell. “Set it up.” She turned away from the communications array, intent on getting back to the damage reports, when Thor’s earnest face and heavy presence brought her up short. She swallowed. “Agent Sitwell is contacting the project base in Tromso. We should have a screen set up presently.”

“Aye.” He smiled, looking for all the world like a giant retriever puppy, big and ungainly and always eager to please. A warm callused hand grasped around her forearm. “Thank you, Agent Hill.”

She clasped his forearm for the simple reason of returning the gesture, nodding her head. “Of course, sir.”

“Contact is up with Tromso, ma’am.” Sitwell cleared his throat behind them. Thor released her arm with another wide grin, striding across to the open video screen. “Jane!”

 _“Thor, you big dope!”_ A bespectacled woman with unruly dark brown hair scowled at him.

“My apologies, Lady Darcy!” He dropped into an open chair with a slightly ominous creak, giant forearms resting on the desk as he leaned in to see the screen better. “I did not realize the Son of Coul sent you to accompany Jane in her travels to the realm of Tromso. Are the Agents of SHIELD treating you well?”

 _“Tromso’s a city in Norway, Thor.”_  Another woman, thinner and lighter haired, joined her companion in the screen. “ _Remember that discussion we had about Earth being one big Midgardian realm of its own? I’m in a different country, not another realm.”_

Thor smiled even wider at the second woman, his whole demeanor softening. “Aye, I remember well. You are saying that this…Norway, it is not another realm separate from this New York?”

_“We need to get him a world map or something. Or one of those interactive globes with the identification games that make you name the country and the capital and the country’s favorite bird.”_

_“Darcy!”_

“A game, you say? I very much enjoy games!”

Dr. Foster sighed. _“No games, Thor.”_ She squinted at the screen, frowning. “ _Where are you, exactly?”_

He shrugged, giant shoulders shifting under the armor. “I do not know. It is a large flying metal object with many Agents of SHIELD carried within. A most interesting vehicle!”

Sitwell’s jump beside her was the only warning that Natasha Romanov joined them. “Agent Romanov.”

“Hill.” Her eyes flickered over to the Asgardian, still chatting away excitedly with Doctor Foster. “He nearly finished? Dr. Selvig and Banner need him to look over the transfer device for the Tessarect. Also, Stark said Clint is getting twitchy guarding Loki, even with the muzzle.”

Maria sighed. “He’d probably talk the day away, if we let him.” She raised her voice. “Thor.”

He twisted in the chair, eliciting another ominous creak. “Aye, Agent Hill?”

Natasha’s mouth twitched in a half-smile. “You’re up, big guy. Dr. Selvig needs you to look over a few things, and Hawkeye is getting irritated with your brother.”

His face fell slightly. “Aye, Lady Natasha. I will say goodbye to Jane and Darcy.”

The assassin hummed to herself as he twisted back. “ _Bozhe moi_ , it’s like kicking a puppy.”

“He called me _Shield-Maiden_.”                 

Her lips twitched.

Maria sighed. “Better than ‘the One-Eyed Fury’, I suppose.”


	3. Barton/Romanov (Even SHIELD Agents Get Drunk)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Clint tries to apologize for trying to kill Maria in New Mexico. Natasha thinks he's being ridiculous and Maria agrees. Fury just wants to know where his damn vodka went. Pheels are had. Author is not at all sorry.

Maria’s finely honed battle instincts had her sidearm out before she cleared the door to her quarters.

At the other end of the barrel, Natasha Romanov blinked calmly, agile hands still moving through the motions of cleaning her own weapons.

A throat cleared from her couch. Clint Barton held up a large bottle of vodka. “It’s kinda been a day. Drink?”

She dropped her arm, heart pounding in her chest for a moment longer. “I’m having them take the vents out when this thing is remodeled.”

The archer shifted guiltily and dropped his gaze to the floor. Romanov cleared her throat, raising a delicate eyebrow. “This is his emotionally stunted way of apologizing for being mind-jacked and shooting at you. I told him he was being ridiculous. He didn’t believe me.” Dark eyes flickered to the bottle. “It’s from Fury’s personal stash.”

Maria snorted. “Well, in that case.” She approached her locker and then hesitated with her hand on a tri-color box on the top shelf. The red, white, and blue of a familiar uniform scheme stared back at her. “Huh. Coulson gave me a set of Captain America shot glasses as a joke for my birthday. I’d forgotten about these.”

Clint tensed, his jaw a tense, locked line for a moment before his spine straightened. “Shots? Bring it, Hill. I’ll drink you both under the table.”

“Both of us?” Natasha smoothly reassembled her Glock and set it aside before pointing a finger at her own chest. “Russian.” The finger swiveled to the bottle. “ _Vodka_.”

Maria dropped the box on the table, shaking her head. “Irish. Not really sure it matters.”

He shrugged and dropped heavily into the only remaining seat. The bottle hit the table with a resounding thump. “Fuck it, let’s just get drunk.”

The garishly colored novelty glasses lined up six in a row across the center of the table. Natasha passed them out after she poured, raising the first in the air. “To Coulson. Thanks for leaving me to deal with Stark by myself, you jerk. You could’ve at least left the Taser.”

Clint nudged his glass alongside hers. “To Coulson. May he find endless reruns of Supernanny in the beyond.”

Maria choked on a laugh. “To Coulson. You better not be watching me fuck up your job from up there, you magnificent bastard.”

They drank, shots hitting the table in stereo.

“You’re Avengers liaison now?” Clint drummed his fingers against the painted replica of Rogers’ shield.

“Babysitter, more like.” She threw back her second shot and took the bottle, pouring another round for them all. “Or on punishment for a past life. I haven’t quite decided.”

“Perhaps punishment for calling the WSC morons?” Natasha cleanly downed a third shot and raised her eyebrows.

“I’m not going to ask how you know that.”

“Rumor spreads fast. This is SHIELD, you know,” Barton said sagely. “We kinda make a living out of gathering information we shouldn’t have.”

Natasha chuckled and held her glass up. “To the questionable procurement of information. _Budem zdorovy.”_

Maria shrugged and toasted them both. “To threatening the WSC and not dying horribly. _Sliante.”_

“I’m not weird like you two, I don’t speak other languages,” Clint said primly, cradling the shot to his chest before he raised it in salute. “But hey, I’ll drink to that. To Phil. Rest in peace, you sly bastard.”

They all tapped. “To Phil.”


End file.
